WASHINGTON, D.C.—As presidential candidate Bernie Sanders prepares to release his tax returns that reveal he is now a millionaire, he has clarified his views on socialism.
“I do very much believe in socialism,” Bernie Sanders told the press. “Inequality is a huge problem. But I never said I believed in only one socialism. I think we need separate socialisms for rich people like me and for poor people.”
Sanders then further explained by focusing on one of his big targets: billionaires. “Billionaires have way more money than me, a meager millionaire,” he continued. “That’s unfair. We need to make things more equal by giving me some of their millions. But you can’t give those millions to poor people; they wouldn’t know what to do with them, as they never wrote a bestselling book and only own one or fewer houses. So instead they should split among themselves the meager thousands and hundreds that they’re more used to.”
Sanders described his two socialisms — one for rich people and one for poor people — as “separate but equal” except for “money-wise.”
“So now everyone will be happy and more equal — but equal in their own groups,” Sanders further explained. “So I hope everyone will continue to support me, but please, stay off my property.” He then quickly corrected himself. “Properties.”