WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources within the federal government, God has filed a petition demanding the United States remove the phrase “In God We Trust” from all of its currency.
Sources confirm the petition lists several reasons for the request, including American culture’s rejection of Biblical values, abandoning prayer in schools, killing 60,000,000 babies, and the rise of the Kardashians. God’s lawyers suggested several other fitting phrases, such as “In Self We Trust,” “In American Empire We Trust,” and “In Money We Trust.”
“‘In God We Trust’ may have been true at one time in their history, but it’s certainly not true now,” a representative for God told reporters. “And you know God, He’s all about the truth. Actually, what am I saying? He IS the Truth.”
“I mean, let’s be real,” the messenger continued, “America hasn’t trusted in God for a hundred years or more, maybe? There was a brief moment after 9/11, but that lasted like a week, tops.”
“What’s wrong with you people!?” the heavenly source concluded, shaking his head in disgust.
At publishing time, atheists across the country were withdrawing their petitions for the same demand when they realized they actually agreed with God about something.