DALLAS, TX—Ellen DeGeneres has been forced to come out of the closet as a conservative after she was spotted treating a political foe with respect.
Friends and family members have suspected she was a closeted conservative for years.
“She was always, like, smiling and talking with other people, even people she disagreed with,” said a tearful Portia de Rossi. “I thought maybe she was just experimenting, but a full-blown conservative—I never feared it was this bad.” De Rossi said that she’s caught DeGeneres hiding in their giant walk-in closet listening to Ben Shapiro’s podcast.
“I assumed she was just trying to find his weakness so she could punch him one day. I never in my wildest dreams thought she’d been turned.”
DeGeneres came out to her fans in a special episode of her show yesterday.
“This is who I am,” she said. “I’m a conservative, and I’m loud and proud. I can’t hide my identity any longer. I have to be true to myself.”
Audience members threw non-GMO tomatoes at her and she was forced to flee the set. She has been replaced with a more appropriate liberal spokesperson, Alyssa Milano, who will bring a different conservative on the show each week and punch them.