OAKLAND, CA—According to sources, one local citizen has discovered a way around the mask mandate: walking around slowly eating a bag of Cheetos the entire day.
“Hey, I can’t wear a mask when I’m eating, right?” said Bush Ballinger, local genius and snack enthusiast. “I’ve slowed my snacking to a snail’s pace, slowly bringing the Cheeto to my mouth and then chewing it for about 10 minutes. I’ve managed to stretch out one bag for 12 hours. No mask!”
State regulators are panicking as they desperately struggle to find a way to close the “Cheetos loophole.” The governor has said he plans to announce a temporary moratorium on public snacking. Legislators are also drafting legislation to ban Cheetos forever.
“We must stop this menace before it’s too late,” said California Governor Gavin Newsom. “SCIENCE has spoken and science will have the last word. I will not rest until this deadly plague of wanton snacking is defeated!”
Ballinger has a backup plan. If his state bans Cheeto snacking, he will simply walk around all day with a Starbucks cup to his lips.