Christian Biblical Counsel: INTIMACY

Intimacy

Learning the Language of Love

by June Hunt

Driving through a foreign country, especially when you have to depend on strange highway markings, is confusing and often quite fearful. This is especially true when the road signs are written in unfamiliar language. Similarly, for many travelers, the road to intimacy is just as foreign … threatening and intimidating territory! Nevertheless, it is the only route on which you eventually learn the real “language of love.”

I.     DEFINITIONS

Everything in our life is a reflection of our relationship with God. If we fear Him, secretly lack trust in Him or attempt to hide the truth about ourselves from Him, our other relationships will also lack the same trust and vulnerability that is needed to develop genuine love.

“Let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

(1 John 4:7–8)

A. Insight into Intimacy

•     The word intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus, which means “innermost.”

•     Intimacy is a close relationship between two people who both feel secure enough to share their innermost feelings (trust).

•     Intimacy in a relationship encourages emotional growth and spiritual maturity.

—  You feel accepted and forgiven in spite of past failures.

—  You grow in inner confidence, peace and satisfaction.

—  You see the relationship as a gift of God’s love.

Intimacy with God

•     An intimate relationship is what God desires with you.

“Love the Lord our God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” (Deuteronomy 6:5)

•     An intimate relationship with God is the fruit of your own desire.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)

•     An intimate relationship with God is a result of living in dependence on Him.

“He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.” (Psalm 62:6)

•     An intimate relationship with God includes an awareness of His Son, Jesus Christ, living within your heart.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

•     An intimate relationship with God is filled with the joy of His presence.

“You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” (Psalm 16:11)

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” (Psalm 139:1–2)

Illusions of Intimacy … Fact or Fiction?

Illusion:

“Intimacy is sexual involvement with another person.”

Fact:

Sexual involvement is not intimacy.

Illusion:

“Intimacy is always expressed physically.”

Fact:

Intimacy can be expressed emotionally, mentally and spiritually, as well as physically.

Illusion:

“Marriage will naturally produce intimacy.”

Fact:

In many marriages intimacy never develops.

Illusion:

“Intimacy is found only in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex.”

Fact:

Intimacy can develop between family members, friends, those who work together, live together or experience a crisis together.

Illusion:

“Intimacy is a feeling of closeness.”

Fact:

Intimacy is a decision of commitment.

Illusion:

“Once you have developed intimacy you’ll always have it.”

Fact:

Intimacy has to be nurtured. It is an ongoing process of growth.

B. Insight into Trust

•     The New Testament Greek word peitho means “to have confidence in or trust in.”

•     The Greek word pisteuo means “to be entrusted with; to commit to another’s trust.”

•     To trust is to place confidence in the intentions and integrity of another person.

•     Trust within a relationship implies both belief and behavior.

—  perceiving another person as trustworthy

—  placing yourself in a position of vulnerability with that person

•     Trust in God implies both belief in Him and changed behavior.

—  knowing that God is reliable, dependable and unchanging

—  submitting to the will of God in your life by giving Him control of your mind, will and emotions

Trust in God

•     Trusting God is placing Him first in your life.

“I hate those who cling to worthless idols; I trust in the Lord.” (Psalm 31:6)

•     Trusting God is choosing to believe in His Word.

“O Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.” (2 Samuel 7:28)

•     Trusting God is believing He loves you.

“I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.” (Psalm 13:5)

•     Trusting God is giving up your own way.

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” (Psalm 143:8)

•     Trusting God is not looking to others for help.

“Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.” (Psalm 40:4)

•     Trusting God is placing your hope in Him.

“To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.” (Psalm 25:1–3)

•     Trusting God is committing your plans to Him.

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this.” (Psalm 37:5)

•     Trusting God is not counting on your own abilities.

“I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.” (Psalm 44:6–8)

•     Trusting God is to not live in fear.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” (Psalm 56:3)

•     Trusting God is to have strength and assurance from Him.

“Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.” (Psalm 125:1)

“Those who know your name will trust in you.” (Psalm 9:10)

C. Insight into Vulnerability

•     The word vulnerable comes from the Latin word vulnerare, which means “to wound.”

•     To be vulnerable is to be open to attack or damage (capable of being wounded).

—  unprotected

—  unguarded

—  uncovered

—  defenseless

—  exposed

—  powerless

—  tender

—  sensitive

•     Vulnerability in a relationship requires the courage to be lovingly, but openly, honest with your feelings and self-doubts.

•     Vulnerability in a relationship involves the willingness to risk exposing the truth about past pain and emotional difficulty.

•     Vulnerability in a relationship is becoming sensitive to the tender heart of another.

•     To be vulnerable in relationships is to be open to pain but also to increased pleasure.

Vulnerability before God

•     Vulnerability before God is a commitment to live in truth and honesty.

“Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and I walk continually in your truth.” (Psalm 26:2–3)

•     Vulnerability before God is being willing to see the sin in your own heart.

“Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.” (Psalm 51:4)

•     Vulnerability before God is choosing to be completely honest in all circumstances.

“I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.” (Psalm 119:30)

•     Vulnerability before God is accepting His discipline graciously.

“It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” (Psalm 119:71)

•     Vulnerability before God is deferring to others with a heart of humility.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)

•     Vulnerability before God is to wait patiently for His timing.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14)

“Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (Matthew 6:8)

 

II.    CHARACTERISTICS

Life is a journey … an adventure during which God can move you out of selfish infancy to a mature intimacy with Himself and others. Conflict within your close relationships will challenge the knowledge and understanding you have of yourself and will reveal your need for God and His unconditional love! The more secure you become in the love and presence of God in your life, the more courage you will have to take the path that moves toward intimacy with others.

“You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”

(Psalm 16:11)

A. Roads That Move Away from Intimacy

All of us yearn for close loving relationships, but when a deeper commitment is demanded, we often retreat from self-disclosure by developing negative patterns that avoid intimacy.

•     aloofness (“I don’t care” attitude)

•     anger

•     apathy

•     busyness

•     defensiveness

•     depression

•     dishonesty

•     distrust

•     faultfinding

•     frequent absence

•     guilt

•     restlessness

•     sarcasm

•     sending mixed messages

•     substituting sex for intimacy

•     workaholism

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.” (Proverbs 29:25)

B. Roads That Move toward Intimacy

Begin nurturing intimate relationships by taking the responsibility to develop positive relational patterns. You can do this by:

•     Changing your focus from the displeasing traits in the personalities of others to

•     Asking God to reveal the deficiencies that reside in your own heart, and

•     Submitting to the Holy Spirit’s prompting toward loving interaction with others.

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” (Psalm 51:6)

Agreement

Choosing a relationship with someone who has the same basic beliefs and values

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” (2 Corinthians 6:14–15)

Commitment

Pledging to maintain the relationship

“Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.

Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” (1 Samuel 18:3–4)

Encouragement

Complimenting and building others up

“Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

Faithfulness

Maintaining lasting loyalty

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” (Proverbs 3:3)

Forgiveness

Giving up personal rights

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)

Gentleness

Using kind, tender words and actions

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

Honesty

Communicating truthfully with a willingness to rebuke

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6)

Humility

Knowing your own faults and weaknesses

“Slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men. At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” (Titus 3:2–5)

Love

Looking to the needs of others

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” (1 John 3:16)

Patience

Being slow to anger

“A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly.” (Proverbs 14:29)

Respect

Honoring others above yourself

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)

Spiritual Maturity

Growing up in your personal relationship with the Lord

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” (Proverbs 9:10)

 

III.   CAUSES

When Adam and Eve chose the path of disobedience, their eyes were opened to the reality of sin. Realizing their nakedness (sinfulness), they became afraid and hid from each other, as well as from the Lord God (Genesis chapter 3). Since all of us inherited their sin nature, we also put on fig leaves (masks) to cover ourselves from being seen as we really are. This inner fear of personal exposure keeps us hiding from those whom we want to love … from God … and even from ourselves!

“Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.” (John 3:20)

A. Roadblocks to Intimacy

•     Fearing vulnerability

—  fearing the loss of reciprocal love

—  fearing the loss of independence

—  fearing the loss of control

•     Evading personal disclosure

—  unwilling to reveal past failures

—  unwilling to reveal weakness

—  unwilling to reveal the “real me”

•     Avoiding risk

—  negative messages from parents (lacked nurturing and encouragement)

—  negative behavior of significant others (critical and blaming)

—  negative personal behavior (Sin produces shame which produces separation, isolation and less transparency.)

•     Remembering past rejection

—  rejection from family members

—  rejection in a significant love relationship

—  rejection of self

B. Root Cause

Wrong Belief:

“I can’t run the risk of revealing my most intimate feelings and failures. If I let others know what I’m really like, I could be rejected.”

Right Belief:

The Lord knows every intimate detail of my life, yet He still loves and accepts me. Because I am secure in His love, I can be vulnerable in order to grow spiritually with God and share intimately with others.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18)

 

IV.  STEPS TO SOLUTION

A. Key Verses to Memorize

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.”

(Philippians 2:1–2)

B. Key Passages to Read and Reread

•     Intimacy with God           Psalm 73:23–28

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.” (Psalm 73:23–28)

•     Intimacy in friendship      Ecclesiastes 4:8–12

“There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. ‘For whom am I toiling,’ he asked, ‘and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?’ This too is meaningless—a miserable business! Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:8–12)

•     Intimacy in marriage         Ephesians 5:25–28

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:25–28)

C. Learning a New Language

Travel The Road Of Trust

Myth:

“As a Christian, I should trust everyone.”

Truth:

Jesus didn’t trust everyone, but He was certainly trustworthy. Trust in a person can be lost, while trust in the Lord is secure forever.

“Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.” (Psalm 125:1)

•     Be truthful. Are you truthful even when being so puts you in a negative light?

“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)

•     Be dependable. Do you have the self-control to do what you say you will do?

“Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.” (Proverbs 25:28)

•     Be accountable. Are you willing to hear and accept correction graciously?

“He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.” (Proverbs 15:32)

•     Be forgiving. Are you willing to forgive an offense even if the offender doesn’t seem deserving?

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

•     Be respectful. Do you disagree amicably over differences you have with others?

“A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.” (Proverbs 11:12)

•     Be sacrificial. Do you submit to the desires of others instead of insisting on having your own way?

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

•     Be kind. Do you show sensitivity to those who have made mistakes or have failed?

“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” (Proverbs 17:9)

•     Be faithful. Do you exhibit unquestionable loyalty in your relationships?

“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” (Proverbs 11:3)

•     Be holy. Are you set apart from sin and yielded to the Lord?

“For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.” (1 Thessalonians 4:7)

“Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”

(Psalm 143:8)

The Value of Vulnerability

Myth:

“If I reveal my true self, I will be hurt.”

Truth:

Being vulnerable does open the door to hurt, but it also opens the door to the blessing of intimacy.

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6)

•     Be grounded in God’s love.

“The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.’ ” (Jeremiah 31:3)

•     Be completely open to God.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23–24)

•     Be willing to humble yourself before others.

“Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” (1 Peter 5:5–6)

•     Be willing to share feelings and past failures.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16)

•     Be aware of the value of vulnerability.

Vulnerability humbles you. Vulnerability breaks down barriers. Vulnerability enables you to identify with others. Vulnerability causes you to stand in God’s strength.

“ ‘My [God’s] grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I [Paul] will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

Increase the Bonds of Intimacy

Myth

“An intimate relationship with one special person will provide all the love and security I need.”

Truth

No person can meet all your needs for love and security. With Christ as the third member of your relationship, the bond is strong enough to weather the storms.

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

•     Be secure in your identity in Christ.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)

•     Be totally committed to the relationship.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17)

•     Be aware that intimacy is a continuing expression of love in action.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)

•     Be committed to carving out quality time together.

“What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.” (Proverbs 19:22)

•     Be able to speak the other person’s language of love.

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4)

—  favorite foods

—  physical touch

—  special gifts

—  favorite activities

—  special friends

—  endearing words

•     Be grateful to God for His GIFT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17)

D. Pave the Way to Deeper Dialogue

While you ride on the surface of a road, don’t live on the surface of life. Learn to move your daily conversations from the usual talk about things, events and other people into deeper, more meaningful dialogue. These steps to getting started and suggested sentence starters will steer you and someone you love into more intimate, heart-to-heart communication.

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”

(Proverbs 20:5)

Five Steps to Getting Started

#1  Pray that God will prepare the heart of the one you care about and that He will show you the right time to approach the subject.

#2  When there are no distractions and the other person is in a pleasant mood, speak of your desire to talk for a few moments. Then ask, “Is now a good time?” If it’s not, ask for a suggestion of another time.

#3  When you do talk, ask several straightforward questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no.

•     “Do you feel our relationship is all that it could be or should be?”

•     “Do you sometimes wish we could understand each other better?”

•     “Would you be willing for us to try a project in order to make our relationship more fulfilling?”

#4  State that this project is very important to you because you want to be the best (friend, mate, parent, etc.) possible. In order to accomplish that, you need to know what is most meaningful to the other person.

•     “Could we agree to meet together once a week over the next four weeks for at least thirty minutes to learn to communicate better?”

•     “I believe this investment of time will be like a financial investment for us that will pay large dividends in the future.”

#5  Set a regular time and place for talking. State that if you both find these meetings helpful, you will continue, but that there is no obligation beyond the first four weeks. (This will let the other person off the hook and show that you are sensitive to feelings.)

“The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.”

(Proverbs 16:21)

Sentence Starters

•     An asset you have that I really value is.…

•     I feel your greatest character quality is.…

•     If I could have the gift of one day to spend any way I wanted, I would.…

•     The favorite room in my childhood home was.…

•     If I could change one thing about the way I was raised, it would be.…

•     An important change I would like to see in myself is.…

•     I feel depressed when.…

•     I feel loved when.…

•     I am most concerned about.…

•     A personal goal of mine is.…

•     What my friends like most about me is.…

•     If I could relive one day, it would be.…

•     My favorite holiday is … because.…

•     The three things I value most about our relationship are.…

•     The most fulfilling aspect of my work is.…

•     Two things that make you easy to be with are.…

•     An important change I would like to see in you is.…

•     It would please me greatly for you to become interested in.…

•     My deepest prayer is.…

E. A Trip Down Lovers Lane

Marriage has been designed to meet the need for committed love, yet too often the warm expectation of intimacy turns into the chill of lonely isolation. Rarely do a husband and wife talk the same language of love. Are you communicating messages to your mate that seem foreign and meaningless? Wise lovers learn how to speak to the heartfelt needs of their marriage partners.

“The wise in heart are called discerning.”

(Proverbs 16:21)

Husbands—Learn to speak the language of love by meeting your wife’s need for security.

•     A wife needs affection.

—  Give hugs, kisses and loving touches.

—  Speak affirming and complimentary words.

—  Give cards, flowers and gifts.

•     A wife needs intimate conversation.

—  Talk on the feeling level.

—  Listen with concern and interest.

—  Show understanding, without attempting to change her.

•     A wife needs honesty.

—  Commit to always being truthful.

—  Share your thoughts and feelings with eye contact.

—  Communicate plans and activities clearly.

•     A wife needs financial security.

—  Shoulder the responsibility for finances.

—  Consult with your wife on how to best use finances.

—  Plan adequately for the future.

•     A wife needs commitment.

—  Place your wife and family as your highest earthly priority.

—  Schedule regular quality time with your wife and family.

—  Verbalize reassurances of your commitment.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

(Ephesians 5:25)

Wives—Learn to speak the language of love by meeting your husband’s need for significance.

•     A husband needs admiration.

—  Communicate understanding of his values and achievements.

—  Give reassurance of his capabilities.

—  Show appreciation for what he provides.

•     A husband needs domestic support.

—  Create a peaceful home atmosphere.

—  Manage the home efficiently.

—  Give assurance that his provision is adequate.

•     A husband needs sexual fulfillment.

—  Be a responsive partner.

—  Communicate your personal sexual needs.

—  Communicate assurance that he is sexually adequate.

•     A husband needs a mate with a pleasing appearance.

—  Keep physically fit with diet and exercise.

—  Dress appropriately with a feminine look.

—  Be polite and courteous.

•     A husband needs recreational companionship.

—  Encourage him to participate in recreational activities.

—  Develop mutual interests.

—  Become proficient in activities that he likes.

“Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

(Proverbs 31:11–12)

 

Often   when the heart has been deeply hurt, layers of self-protection are applied as   shelter from future pain.Vulnerability is avoided; trust is terminated.But to   veer from vulnerability is not the way of Calvary.As we are vulnerable before   the Lord, we are given the security to become vulnerable before others.Then   as we grow in sweet intimacy with the Lord, we are given security to develop   deeper intimacy with others.

—June   Hunt

 

Commitment to Intimacy

I will love you unconditionally.

I will not reject you.

I will keep my heart vulnerable to you.

I will not blame you for how I feel.

I will make it safe for you to be honest.

I will not use anything you say against you.

I will be willing to reveal my inner fears   and disappointments.

I will not interrupt you when you share your   feelings.

I will include you in my hopes and desires.

I will not try to manipulate or control you.

I will consider things from your point of   view.

I will not be defensive.

I will be accountable to you.

I will not force you to meet my   expectations.

I will reach out to you with affection.

I will not withdraw emotionally or   physically.

I will encourage your spiritual growth.

I will not engage in faultfinding.

I will view conflict as an opportunity for   growth.

I will not reject that God is using you in   my life.

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved   children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up   for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

(Ephesians 5:1–2)

 

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Allender, Dan B., and Tremper Longman, III. The Cry of the Soul: How Our Emotions Reveal Our Deepest Questions about God. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1994.

Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More. New York: Harper/Hazelden, 1987.

Chapman, Gary. The Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield, 1992.

Cloud, Henry. When Your World Makes No Sense. Nashville: Oliver-Nelson, 1990.

Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide. Rev. ed. Dallas: Word, 1988.

Dearborn, Tim. Taste & See: Awakening Our Spiritual Senses. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1996.

Dillow, Linda, and Lorraine Pintus. Intimate Issues: Answers to 21 Questions Women Ask About Sex. Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook, 1999.

Ellison, Craig W. “Trust.” In Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, edited by David G. Benner, 1183–184. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1985.

Ferguson, David, and Don McMinn. Top 10 Intimacy Needs. Intimacy Monograph Series: A Collection of Study Guides Dealing with Key Relationship Issues. Austin, TX: Intimacy, 1994.

Hansen, Jane, and Marie Powers. Fashioned for Intimacy. An Aglow Study Guide: Gospel Light, 1998.

Harley, Willard F., Jr. His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. 15th Anniversary ed. Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2001.

Hershey, Terry. Go Away, Come Closer: When What You Need the Most Is What You Fear the Most. Dallas: Word, 1990.

Hershey, Terry. Intimacy: The Longing of Every Human Heart. Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1984.

Hunt, June. Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2007.

Hunt, June. How to Forgive … When You Don’t Feel Like It. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2007.

Hunt, June. How to Handle Your Emotions. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2008.

Hunt, June. Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2008.

McCray, Jan. The Love Every Woman Needs: Intimacy with Jesus. Grand Rapids: Chosen, 1997.

McIntosh, Doug. God Up Close. Chicago: Moody, 1998.

Myers, Ruth. The Perfect Love. Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook, 1998.

Schaumburg, Harry W. False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1992.

Townsend, John. Hiding from Love: How to Change the Withdrawal Patterns that Isolate and Imprison You. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1991.

Wheat, Ed, and Gaye Wheat. Intended for Pleasure. Rev. ed. Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell, 1981.

Woititz, Janet G. Struggle for Intimacy. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1985.[1]

 


[1] Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Intimacy: Learning the Language of Love (1–20). Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s