Category Archives: Humor

Confirmed: World Still Fallen

WORLD—A report released by an international coalition of representatives from various nations around the globe confirmed Friday that the world is still a deeply fallen place, with nearly every aspect of everyday life feeling the effects of mankind’s fall from grace. From relationships to governments to the very fabric of society, the report revealed that […]

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Republicans Announce Plan To Pretend To Be Fiscally Conservative Again The Moment A Democrat Takes Office

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a budgetary discussion Friday, Republican lawmakers announced a plan to pretend to be fiscally conservative again if a Democrat takes office again in 2020 or 2024. The GOP said it would begin to decry deficit spending and the $20 trillion debt in order to win votes as soon as political power swung back […]

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Op-Ed: Looks Like We Forgot To Defund Planned Parenthood Again Like We Promised—Shucks, Sorry, Darnit—Maybe Next Time

Fellow Americans: we want to take a quick moment of your time to apologize. You probably heard that we just passed a huge spending deal—and it looks like we totally forgot to defund Planned Parenthood again, even though we promised you countless times we would do exactly that if you would just give us the […]

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Study: More College Students Believing In Communism, Santa Claus

U.S.—A new report released by a special Pew Research team confirmed that more and more college students are believing in the viability of a communist state, as well as other mythological creatures like Santa Claus, fairies, and the Easter Bunny. A full 83% of those survey said they believe communism could work as a system […]

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Archaeologists Uncover Jesus’s Gulfstream Jet

ISRAEL—New historical evidence uncovered in present-day Israel suggests that Jesus and His disciples traveled around the region preaching the good news of Christ’s coming in a luxurious Gulfstream V jet, sources confirmed Thursday. Archaeologists uncovered the ruins of Jesus’s private airport just outside Nazareth, as well as the rusted-out remains of a luxury jet they […]

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U2 Signs To Four-Year Residency At Elevation Church

CHARLOTTE, NC—Elevation Worship is one of the most successful, rich, and famous worship bands around today, but they’re about to get the boot from their home church in favor of Irish rock band U2, sources were able to confirm Thursday. The church came to an agreement with the band for an exclusive residency at a […]

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Paula White Confirms President Trump In Excellent Spiritual Health

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After several serious concerns regarding President Trump’s spiritual health were brought to light in recent weeks, prosperity gospel preacher Paula White examined him and reported that he is in “excellent” spiritual health. White performed a barrage of examinations on the president’s spiritual health to test his orthodoxy, and confirmed he’s “in perfect spiritual condition.” […]

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Disagreeing With Progressives On Social Issues Now Qualifies As Federal Hate Crime

U.S.—The U.S. Department of Justice confirmed Monday that disagreeing with any progressive on any social issue now qualifies as a federal hate crime which will be punished to the full extent of the law. Liberals took to social media after the announcement to celebrate the victory. “I’m thrilled. I’ve always known that anyone who disagrees […]

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Google Rolls Out New ‘Worldview-Checker’

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In a move to combat the spread of dangerous worldviews that disagree with those of Google executives and employees, the tech behemoth has announced a new feature in its search engine: an ‘approved worldview checker’ to ensure all opinions expressed online line up with progressive ideals. The feature was automatically added to Google […]

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‘1984’ Moved To Current Affairs Section

U.S.—According to a representative from the American Booksellers Association as well as a representative from publisher Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, retail shops and online book resellers will now be asked to stock George Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984 exclusively in the “Current Affairs” section of their retail locations and online storefronts. The reclassification came as a wave […]

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Nation’s Progressives Suddenly In Favor Of Electing TV Personalities As President

U.S.—Moments after Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing speech at the Golden Globe Awards Sunday night in what some claimed to be the soft launch of her 2020 presidential bid, the nation’s progressives declared they were now in favor of TV personalities running for president. Millions of Democrats who denounced Donald Trump for his lack of […]

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T.D. Jakes Releases 24-Karat Gold Study Bible

DALLAS, TX—Prosperity gospel preacher Bishop T.D. Jakes just announced at long last the release of his first official Bible, a study edition whose cover and pages are made entirely of a high-quality, 24-karat gold. Valued at $450,000, the copy of the Scriptures will let everyone around you know just how blessed you are. With a […]

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