U.S. — Authorities are warning that a con artist is currently on the loose and scamming elderly dementia patients out of billions of dollars. They are urging anyone who sees the suspect to call law enforcement immediately.
“He’s very short, dresses in all green for some reason, and has an accent like some kind of Eastern European henchman from a Guy Ritchie movie,” said a spokesperson for law enforcement. “Scumbags like this are always preying on confused, senile people who don’t know better. People like this make me sick.”
Sources confirmed his most recent scam convinced a very old and disoriented man to sign a 10-year, bilateral security agreement for billions of dollars. Authorities suspect the money will be used to fund illegal activities around the globe, including drug trafficking, arms deals, and expensive cars for some guy named “Volodymyr.”
“Yeah, once these jerks get their hands on the life savings of the victims, it gets laundered and immediately used to fund criminal enterprises,” the spokesperson said. “If I could only get my hands on this sicko before he steals from someone else…”
At publishing time, the suspect had been spotted in Europe scamming several gullible world leaders.
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