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DALLAS, TX—Tension between various political and theological movements within the Southern Baptist Convention has set the stage for a historic annual meeting in Dallas this year, and those tensions almost immediately flared up on the first day of the convention, with an explosive dance-off breaking out just after SBC president Steve Gaines welcomed conference attendees. […]
The post Opposing Factions Break Into Intense Dance-Off At SBC Annual Meeting appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
U.S.—Immediately upon hearing the news that President Trump had met with Kim Jong Un in a promising first peace summit Tuesday, the nation’s liberals came out in “strong opposition” to the concept of international diplomacy. Democrats across the nation warned of the dangers of diplomacy, coincidentally just moments after news of the historic summit between […]
The post Nation’s Liberals Suddenly Opposed To Concept Of Diplomacy appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Local San Francsico resident Matthew Pearson was arrested Wednesday morning for concealed carrying a Bible without the proper state permits, sources at the San Francisco Police Department confirmed. California law prohibits residents from carrying any written material that contradicts far-left progressive agendas without a difficult-to-obtain permit from the state. Hurdles applicants need to […]
The post Californian Arrested For Concealed Carrying Bible Without Permit appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
U.S.—The vast majority of the nation’s evangelical Christians stressed Friday that they were “this close” to abandoning their support of Donald Trump as they coped with a seemingly endless string of moral scandals surrounding the president. “I swear, if 197 or so more egregious moral failings come to light, I am DONE supporting this guy,” […]
The post Nation’s Evangelicals Warn They’ll Only Give Trump 1 Or 2 Hundred More Mulligans appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
MENLO PARK, CA—According to sources from within Facebook headquarters, interns and staffers at the social network were training Mark Zuckerberg on how to act human ahead of his expected congressional testimony this week. The team of employees instructed the Facebook CEO in disciplines like smiling without looking like a robot, laughing at the correct moment, […]
The post Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
LONDON—In response to a recent outbreak in fistfights, London mayor Sadiq Khan announced Monday a sweeping ban of hands in the city, effective immediately. “No excuses: there is never a reason to have hands in a modern, civil society. Anyone who does will be caught, and they will feel the full force of the law,” Khan said […]
The post In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Handsappeared first on The Babylon Bee.
U.S.—A political movement that immediately demands that people they disagree with be forcefully silenced by myriad means such as having their sponsors pulled and having them fired from their jobs expressed Friday that they weren’t 100% sure why the nation was so polarized and divided. Lamenting the significant problem of America’s deep divisions while simultaneously […]
The post Movement That Demands Forceful Silencing Of All Opposing Viewpoints Unsure Why Nation So Divided appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
Brought to you by HARTFORD, CT—St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church prides itself on staying on the cutting edge of progressive theology and practice. This steadfast commitment is apparent in many aspects of the ministry’s church life, including its recent decision to remove all “toxic” pew Bibles and replace them with “life-giving” adult coloring books. “I hadn’t […]
The post Progressive Church Replaces Pew Bibles With Adult Coloring Books appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a speech celebrating the signing into law of the $1.3 trillion omnibus spending bill Friday, Republican President Donald Trump took a moment to clarify that by consistently repeating on the campaign trail that they would “defund Planned Parenthood,” he, as well as congressional Republicans, actually meant that they would “continue giving Planned Parenthood […]
The post Republicans Clarify That By ‘Defund Planned Parenthood’ They Meant ‘Give Them $500 Million Every Year’ appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
MENLO PARK, CA—Finally emerging after days of silence following the revelation that millions of Facebook accounts had their data underhandedly exploited for political purposes, CEO Mark Zuckerberg vowed to do better at hiding such shady activities in the future. Speaking in an interview with CNN, the Facebook chief sincerely apologized for getting caught, and committed […]
The post Mark Zuckerberg Promises To Do Better At Hiding Facebook’s Data Mining Activities appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
ISRAEL—John Wildrow was excited to finally take a tour of the Holy Land. It was a “childhood dream” of his, he claims. He bought tickets months in advance and impatiently awaited the day of his plane’s departure to tour the Promised Land. Finally, he took off on a flight for his scheduled Holy Land tour […]
The post Man Arriving At Holy Land Tour Confused To Not Find Himself In United States Of America appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to the recent data-hijacking scandal which has its stock price plummeting and lawmakers demanding an explanation, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reminded everyone in a Facebook Live video Tuesday that the tech giant’s official terms of service specifically allow for it or any third party to utilize data it collects to engage in […]
The post Facebook Reminds Users Its Terms Of Service Specifically Allow For Orwellian Social Engineering appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
MENLO PARK, CA—In the midst of a scandal involving the unauthorized transfer of its users’ data for political purposes, Facebook proudly unveiled a brand new, giant Lidless Eye of Sauron atop the company’s Menlo Park headquarters. The Eye of Sauron will be used to examine Facebook users’ every action, online and off. The fiery Great […]
The post All-Seeing Eye Of Sauron Unveiled At Facebook Headquarters appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
NEW YORK, NY—In what was rumored to be a multi-million-dollar deal, popular clickbait website BuzzFeed has purchased The Gospel Coalition, journalists learned Wednesday. TGC had reportedly been restructuring and refocusing its content for the past several years in an attempt to merge with a larger clickbait site, and according to TGC council members, BuzzFeed was […]
The post BuzzFeed Acquires The Gospel Coalition appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
U.S.—Democratic National Committee spokesperson Michael Tyler announced Thursday that all candidates who run in the 2020 presidential election as Democrats will completely forego armed security for the entirety of their campaigns, in a clear and bold stance against gun violence in America. “We’ve talked to all possible candidates and everyone has agreed. Gun violence is […]
The post Democrats Announce All 2020 Candidates Will Forego Armed Security To Protest Gun Violence appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
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